Sexting in Tsarist Russia
The cunning linguistics of the Romanovs
Lately I find myself reading more and more non-fiction books. For the most part, these texts add color to the general knowledge you get from high school — deeper looks at the wives of Henry VIII, a more thorough portrait of Cleopatra or a more sympathetic view of Marie Antoinette. While the aforementioned have all been captivating in their own ways, none of them held my interest like Simon Sebag Montefiore’s The Romanovs which chronicles the 300+ year Russian dynasty that, of course, ended in brutal and dramatic fashion with the firing squad massacre of the Tsar Nicolas II and his immediate family. (I could write for ages on what went down there, but it’s another more grisly newsletter to bank.)
While that episode is easily the most memorable of the dynasty, immortalized by fantasy and fictional tales of a the “lost” Grand Duchess Anastasia, the Romanovs didn’t need any fantasy to make their lives entertaining. The book sheds light on dozens of historical events that feel too sensational to be real. For example, many Tsarinas were chosen in essentially the same way The Bachelor chooses a bride. (Literally called Bride Shows which sounds like a genre of television in retrospect.)
Of special note though, are the love letters sent between the imperials and their spouses or paramours. In recent years, many of these have been recovered offering an unparalleled glimpse into the private lives of the imperial family.
Romanovs ran hot, and such passions were not limited to one single royal pair, but several. For today though, let’s stick with Alexander II and Catherine the Great.
Alexander II and Katya Dolgorukova
Reigned from 1855 - 1881
The surviving letters of Catherine the Great and some dotted sexually-charged correspondence from other Romanovs pale in comparison to the exchanges between Alexander II and his teenage mistress, Katya Dolgorukova. These are widely regarded as some of the most intimate correspondence of any reigning monarch. And they’re so good, spicy by even today’s standards.
Though the pair had met years before, when Dolgorukova was a child, it wasn’t until a chance meeting on December 24 in 1865 (late December back in ‘65) that things changed. Walking in the Summer Garden, Dolgorukova caught the emperor’s attention. A fact she acknowledged in her journal, recounting that his “big beautiful light blue eyes gave me an acute look.” He described it as something akin to love at first sight. They met every day after that for months until the first of many asassination attempts occurred.
The now 18-year-old Dolgorukaya was close by when the shots were fired and understandably relieved by the assailant’s failure. She urgently wanted to reunite with Alexander, and sensed he felt exactly the same. Her feelings were reciprocated and he appeared before her that evening despite the chaos. Of that night she wrote, “This meeting was the best proof that we loved each other…I decided that my heart belonged to him.” She shunned all other men and declared she wouldn’t marry anybody else. In turn he saw her as his “guardian angel.” Of course, this kind of drama fanned the flames of their relationship which went from zero to 100. (Not unlike when Murray and Dionne almost died on the freeway in Clueless.)
And that’s when the letters start.
“I’ll never forget what happened on the sofa in the mirrored room when we kissed on the mouth for the first time and you made me go out while you removed your crinoline which was in our way and I was surprised to find you without your pantaloons. Oh oh quel horreur? I was almost mad at this dream but it was real and I felt HE was bursting. I felt a frenzy. That’s when I encountered my treasure…I would have given everything to dip inside…again. I was electrified that your saucy crinoline let me see your legs that only I had ever seen. We fell on each other like wild cats.”
Okay, that is quite the letter leak. Doubly so since it has the Romanov imperial seal on it. At first read it made me laugh to think how persistent the absurd fictions of Catherine the Great are when Alexander and Katya are out here meeting in mirrored rooms and he’s referring to his dick in with all-caps pronouns. Russia…where it’s only cold if you’re lonely.
The emperor was so infatuated, he even arranged a rendezvous while visiting Napoleon in Paris with his sons. One evening, he just poofed into the night after asking for 100,000 francs to be his lover’s side. Nobody had a clue where he was and they were understandably terrified of what would happen. He stumbled home at some point.
The French excursion ended with another assasination attempt, drawing the couple even closer together…the guardian angel, yada yada yada. Alexander rented her a love nest where they would meet regularly and the blush-worthy letters continued. “I confess these memories reawaken my rage to plunge inside your delirious coquillage again. Oh oh oh I’m smiling about it, I’m not ashamed, it’s natural!” It is, your imperial majesty! It certainly is!
By now, they had a code name for sex: “les bingerles” though it wouldn’t fool anybody with the phrases like “I enjoyed until delirium lying still on the sofa while you moved on me yourself…we’re made for each other and I see you before my eyes, now in bed, without knickers,” or “compliments from mon bingerle which is fully armed,” or “...went crazy attaching herself to me like a leech.”
There’s honestly too much to even string together coherently and Alexander pulled absolutely no punches in his writings. This letter, recently auctioned off was absolutely wild: “I have such a rage to be bingerle, that I don't know what to do!…I still feel imbued with our good evening and our delirious bingerles, which made us cum like crazy. I can still see the expression in your lovely eyes and hear the sounds you were making as I walked inside you.”
Of course, all this time, while these two were bingerle-ing, there was an empire to run, complete with a thrown-over Empress — Empress Marie. She was fully aware of the goings-on and like many consorts before her, had little choice but to accept it. Her health was always a little shaky, and as her decline continued, Alexander moved his mistress and their illegitimate children into the Winter Palace for their protection. In her final days she met the children and gave her blessing for a morganatic marriage after her death. (Alexander’s children with Marie hated her and feared a change in succession that never occurred.)
In June 1880, Empress Marie passed away. The following month, the lovers wed. It was a wildly unpopular move with the public who considered Dolgorukaya a liberal-minded interloper with eyes for power. Meanwhile, assassins continued to hunt Alexander. Dolgorukaya had a premonition of doom and begged him not to go out one morning. In typical form, he eased her fears with a tabletop bingerle and went about his business. Hours later, he returned home mortally wounded.
In the aftermath, Katya received a pension and settled in Paris with all the steamy correspondence in tow. Some of the originals, including a couple quoted here, sold at auction in 2022. Interesting pieces for any collection, no doubt.
Catherine II, The Great and General Potemkin
Reigned from 1762 - 1796
Catherine didn’t get “the Great” for nothing. She rightfully occupies a rarified and accomplished chapter of the Romanov dynasty — remembered fondly for her shrewdness, intelligence and stewardship of Russia. And of course, through letters to the love of her life, Grigory Potemkin. (The horse is a myth.)
She met Potemkin on the eve of her imperial coup. At the time, she was devoted to another, Grigory Orlov, but their relationship was starting to sour. General Potemkin was a handsome legendary lover with “hair more excellent than mine,” according to Catherine herself. His appetites appeared to be evenly matched in the new Empress. (What an epitaph!)
Which is to say, before long, it was on. As she elevated his standing at court and their affair prospered, Potemkin earned many private nicknames…“my Cossack,” “Bijou,” “Golden Cockerel,” “Lion of the Jungle,” and “Tiger.” (The etymology of which I leave to you.) She also had a flare for the dramatic, as easily seen in one letter:
“What a trick you have played to unbalance a mind, previously thought to be one of the best in Europe…What a shame! Catherine II the victim of this crazy passion…one more proof of your supreme power over me. Well, mad letter, go to where my hero dwells.”
Neither Catherine or Potemkin were discreet, and their trysts were known by the entire Russian court. According to Montefiore, the giggles and sounds of their regular liaisons in the banya (steam bath) of the Winter Palace were easily heard. If not for that, the lights through the bath’s windows did the trick: “...for four days we’ve seen the light in the window later than usual,” said her advisor Scarface upon discovering the news.
Like any couple of the time, they passed many notes. Though they’re not as salacious as Alexander II’s erotic missives to Dolgorukaya, they’re still intimate enough to make you blush.
“My darling friend, I fear you might be angry with me. If not all the better. Come quickly to my bedroom and prove it.” This note, save for a few variances of languages, could easily pass as a sext in 2024. “You must be, I guess, more handsome than ever after the bath,” reads another. It goes on: “General loves me? Me loves General,” she cooed.
There’s a Teenage Dream mystique about them all and it’s heartwarming to think of an enlightened despot getting butterflies at the site of her cycloptic lover. (He only had one eye at this time.)
While he was away, she pledged to be his “humble maid or lowly servant,” entreating him to “come to see me so I can calm you with my endless caresses.” At some point, it is believed that the pair officially married, but their relationship was a classic up-and-down situation. And their libidos whined, their eyes wandered and new lovers came to play.
Though they never “uncoupled,” each sated their sexual appetites with a host of younger Russians. In Catherine’s case, this included many handsome young men of the court. In Potemkin’s, it was all three of his very pretty nieces — a modern open relationship, save for the incest. All of the lovers would correspond, with Catherine and Potemkin acting as pseudo parents for the lusty lot as “Matushka” and “Batinka.” An interesting family, indeed!
This dynamic continued for years and the pair remained partners (if not banya buddies) until Potemkin died while abroad. On his death, Catherine was inconsolable having lost her lover, friend, and most illustrious partner. But thankfully, she found comfort in the arms of another, of course.
I can’t recommend Montefiore’s tome enough — it’s heavy, clocking in at 700+ pages but it reads like a novel complete with subterfuge, wars, intrigue, murder and a cast of familiar historical characters. At some points it’s stranger than fiction. The Romanovs is available at booksellers everywhere and here.
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I’ve read all of the books you mention early on and have long had a fascination ( like many ) with the Romanov’s. I will read this!